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Major Payne

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Major Payne is a 1995 comedy film, starring Damon Wayans. The film is a loose remake of the 1955 film The Private War of Major Benson, starring Charlton Heston.

"There's gotta be somebody who needs some killing."
"I'm sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all."
"You'd better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!"
"Nope, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!"

Major Payne

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  • Know this: Killing is my business, ladies; and business is GOOD!
  • [After being discharged from the Marines] It's been two whole weeks since I killed me a man. And already I'm startin' to get the itch. Problem is I got nothin' to scratch. God, I'm hungry. Hungry for action, hungry for blood. Hell, I'm just plain ol' hungry. Feel like I'm gettin' weaker, while Charlie's gettin' stronger in the jungle. Gotta maintain discipline; gotta keep up my strength! 'Cause the hard reality is, I gotta get a job.
  • I have eight weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-disciplined cadet unit! From this day forward, your sorry-ass asses belong to ME! You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose, or even dig in your butt without my say-so!
  • From now on, my little group of scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, eat like me, and until you win those games, you will be BALD like me.
  • Know this about me, Private Ass-Eyes! War has made me very paranoid! And when a man gets to eyeballing me, it makes my Agent Orange act up; and I get the urge to kill. Do not aggravate my condition!
  • Move it, turds! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you look in the dictionary between spit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy!
  • ONE...don't you feel dumb. TWO...look at you! THREE...don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you in the ground!
  • You're still a shit sandwich... you're just not a soggy one. I will no longer refer to you as turds. From this day forward, you will be called maggots!
  • [To Emily about being married] Negative. I figure if the marines wanted me to have a wife, they'd of issued me one.
  • [To the squad, while watching them all run wearing dresses] I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command! Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!
  • [While confronting a blind kid with his dog] You know there ain't no pets allowed on this here premises, Mr. Ace Ventura.
  • Hey Corporal. [Payne's adopted son, Tiger steps out in front and faces him] Go tell Mom to get my field knife.
  • [To a hulking biker dude, whom the squad hired to muss him up] I heard tell your mother's so fat, she uses planets for billiard balls.
  • [Introducing the squad to their new barracks] A squad that lives together, wins together! "Unity", turds; that is the key word in "unit", without the "Y"!
  • Know this, pukes: We are going to win the Virginia Military Games this year! You will note my emphasis on win! Whiskey! India! November! GET USED TO HEARING THAT WORD!

Dialogue

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[Marine has been wounded]
Marine Private: AHHHH my arm, my arm!
Major Payne: Want me to show you a little trick to take your mind off that arm?
[Marine nods and Payne grabs the private's pinky finger]
Major Payne: Now you might feel a little pressure.
[Major Payne breaks the Marine's pinky]
Marine Private: AUGGGGH! My finger, my finger!
Major Payne: Works every time.
[Major Payne has captured a South American drug lord and is holding a gun to his head. Drug lord's underlings all point their weapons at Major Payne]
Drug Lord{laughing}: You'd better give up, señor. You cannot kill us all!
[Major Payne grabs drug lord's pistol with his other hand and points it at the butt of the drug lord]
Major Payne: Nope, but I can clean out your colon faster than one of those burritos with extra gucamole sauce!
[The entire drug cartel surrenders to Major Payne]
General Decker: At ease, Payne. Relax. Do you know why you're here?
Major Payne: Sir, no, sir.
General Decker: The promotion board report came out last week. This is the new Lt. Col. list, your name's not on it. You get two chances to advance, then we have to show you the hatch. Basic man is cutting you discharge orders right now
Major Payne: General, are you telling me that in this man's military is there no room for trained weapon of destruction?
General Decker: Fighting is no longer being done out on the battlefields. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress, boys like us are becoming dinosaurs.
Major Payne: There's got to be somebody who needs some killing.
General Decker: I'm sorry, Major. There's nobody left. You've killed them all.
[Major Payne is in jail when General Decker visits him. After motioning him to use the phone handle on his prison side the two face each other.]
General Decker: Payne, what happened? You've only been out one week.
Major Payne: It's civilian life, sir. I had a minor setback.
General Decker: Listen, I've made some calls and I have an assignment for you. It's not great, you understand, but it gets you back in the military.
[Payne smiles at the thought of being back in the military unaware that the assignment Decker is taking about will take him to Madison school.]
Major Payne:[Addressing the Madison Cadets] My name is Major Benson Winifred Payne. As of 0800, I am replacing Major Frankfurt as your commanding officer.
Cadets: Boo. Booooooooo!
[Payne has fired rounds from his pistol that gets the cadets' attention.]
Major Payne:[Lowering his pistol] I see what we have here is a failure to communicate. Do not attempt to challenge my authority! I have 8 weeks to turn you gaggle of maggots into a well-discipline cadet unit. From this day forward, your sorry asses belong to me. You will not eat, sleep, drink, blow your nose or dig in your butts without my say so. Know this, killing is my business, ladies, and business is good!
Tiger: [pokes his head out] Boo-hoo!
Major Payne: What?
Tiger: I have to go to the bathroom!
Major Payne: You hold it, turd.
Tiger: I can't!
Major Payne: [glares] I said hold it, or I'll break that off and kick it around on the ground!
[Tiger then pokes his head back in the line]
[The boys failed in an earlier attempt to get Major Payne fired by staging a picture of him with a boy in a dress, suggesting he was a child molester. Payne is leading the boys on a punitive exercise, where they are seen running uphill]
Major Payne: Got no worries, got no stress.
Cadets{offscreen}: Got no worries got no stress.
Camera shows boys running behind Major Payne; all wearing sundresses
Major Payne: Cause we feel good in our dress.
Cadets: Cause we feel good in our dress.
Major Payne: Major Payne's a major diss.
Cadets: Major Payne's a major diss.
Major Payne: He makes us squat when we piss.
Cadets: He makes us squat when we piss.
Major Payne: Got no worries, got no care.
Cadets: Got no worries, got no care.
Major Payne: I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair.
Cadets: I'm a bald-headed son of a bitch without hair.
Major Payne: Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.
Cadets: Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann.
Major Payne: Got to earn my right to be called a man.
Cadets: Got to earn my right to be called a man.
Payne orders the cadets to halt in the school square. This is seen by the civilian students, who laugh uproariously at such a spectacle. Payne addresses the boys.]
Major Payne: I tell you, ladies; you're the prettiest unit ever under my command!
Student: Their pantyhose is falling down.
Major Payne: Gonna have to change my name to Pimp-Daddy Payne! A-hee hee hee!
Emily: Major! What are the boys doing in those dresses?
Major Payne: They're putting on a fashion show.
Emily:[angry] I thought we had a little talk about this kind of negative re-enforcement.
[Tiger is convinced the Boogeyman is hiding in his closet]
Major Payne: [Facing closet] He in there? [Tiger nods; Payne unloads several rounds into the closet] If he's still in there he ain't happy!
[Tiger excitedly runs out into the hallway and looks at Emily]
Tiger: Major Payne just terminated that Bad man with extreme prejudice! And if he's still in there, he ain't happy!
Emily: He's trying to show you some affection.
Major Payne: I don't like it. It makes me feel all funny.
Major Payne: Here I got somethin' for ya. [puts a piece of metal in Emily's hand]
Emily: What is it?
Major Payne: A bullet. It's somethin' special. It's from my heart.
Emily: Really? Well, where did you get it?
Major Payne: From my heart, left ventricle; took it out myself with a field knife.
Major Payne: [Grabs the arm of Alex's stepdad mid-swing] You hit that boy again, Im'ma do more than salute you.
Alex's Stepdad: This is between me and my son.
Alex: Stepson!
Major Payne: Whoever he is, he's on my time now.
[Alex's stepdad, clearly in a drunken stupor, takes several attempted swings at Major Payne, who easily dodges them and knocks him down to the ground.]
Major Payne: Now, Im'ma ask you nicely: please, return to your vehicle. You go on now.
[Alex's stepdad leaves in humiliation. Major Payne turns to Alex, now having a newfound respect for him.]
Major Payne: Go on back to your bunk, son.
[the entire Madison Squad is collected after their brawl with Wellington and former Madison cadet, Dotson, whom Williams knock out cold as retribution to injuring Alex.]
Lt. Col. at the Games: This is unsatisfactory. I demand the entire Madison Squad be disqualified from the final competition.
Col. Braggart: Lieutenant, I can only disqualify the cadet who started the disturbance.
Lt. Col. at the Games: That's not enough. Look at them, these animals are so pathetic that even their own commander didn't even show up.
[Just then Major Payne arrives on the scene]
Major Payne: Ain't no need for name calling.
[Stone and Williams look at Major Payne. Emily walks out of the Madison tent as he walks over to the stand to be with the Madison Cadets]
Col. Braggart: Major Payne, what are you doing here? I was told you were away on an important assignment.
Major Payne: What could be more important than having my boys winning this here competition? I suggest we get this party started. Is that OK with you Col.?
Col. Braggart: Cadets I'm pleased to announce the top two rated squads that will compete for first and second place in the Parade Drill Competition. Wellington Academy and Madison Academy.
[The Lt. Col. put his hands in his face in embarrassment, as he had hope to have disqualified Madison for the brawl with Wellington and was stopped by Major Payne]

Taglines

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  • Welcome to the House of Payne.
  • He's looking for a few good men...or at least a few guys old enough to shave.

Cast

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